I'm Glad I'm A Woman

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam

I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions

I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut

and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch

I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see - I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting

It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know - I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee

I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band

or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy

I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!