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& the Art of spiderman kissing |
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Statutory Warning: People suffering from ‘Acrophobia’ (fear
of heights) and ‘Vertigo’ (dizziness caused due to heights)
qualify as natural students to this peripheral technical guide
and hence to the final course to be imparted at Webciti by
Jorogumo Takayochi and Baba Makr-ande. Rest, if interested,
please apply for the qualifying test online at www.confederacyofspidersocieties.com
with a birthday-suit photograph of yours.
Students aspiring to take up spiderman kissing as livelihood,
are hereby notified that the following material would serve
as their bible for the qualifying round to be held at Webciti
on the 1st of April.
The following names, both common and scientific are available.
One has to spin a name (permutation & combination of scientific
and common name a must for spinning) for himself, for the
final round.
| Common
Name |
Scientific
Name |
| House
or Cobweb Spider |
Theridiidae
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| Ground
or Wolf Spider |
Lycosidae
|
| Jumping
Spider |
Salticidae
|
| Crab
Spider |
Thomisidae
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| Sac
Spider |
Clubionidae
|
| Orb
Weaver or Garden Spider |
Araneidae
|
| Funnel
Weaver |
Agelenidae
|
| Sheetweb
Weaver |
Linyphiinae
|
| Cellar
or Daddy-Long-Legs Spider |
Pholcidae
|
| Harvestman
|
Phalangiidae
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| Fishing
or Nursery-Web Spider |
Pisauridae
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Interested ladies, if can go through a sex change within a week and have rest of the pre-requisites are welcome for the qualifying rounds.
First things first, one has to install a light hanging bar (preferred metal aluminum) from the ceiling, in every room of the house. The lighter the bar, the better it is, coz you’ll get used to head-crashes
Get yourself at least ten qualities of threads in ten or more colors to practice spinning psychedelic webs (these are in!!!). Ignore all comments coming from your folks after you’ve started spinning. Avoid all calls from Spin Doctors, they may turn out to be a constant source distraction, if you are gifted with spinning.
Hire a yoga teacher and practice ‘Sirsha aasana’(head-stand) for atleast an hour a day . This will help to keep the rising testosterone levels in balance.*
Start spending as much time as you can, hanging upside down from the hanging bars.
Always keep your hair gelled to avoid hair falling on your face which act as a detoxifier while kissing (unless of course the lady in question prefers hair in place of spaghetti).
Start brushing you teeth, watching TV., having breakfast upside down, as in hanging upside down.
Have only milk and eggs (sunny-side-up) for breakfast. Will help nourish your hair if you can’t have it.
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Have baked garden-spiders for lunch and steamed black-widow
spiders for dinner. If this causes split personality
pangs double the dosage of ‘sirsha-aasana’*
Make a list of all the girlfriends and acquaintances
(ladies) you have and call at least 2-3 of them a day
and ask them to volunteer for the act. Try and catch
them off-guard while hanging upside down. Research shows
this technique makes a student strong and propels him
for the farther course of action.
Last but not the least, get yourself good supporters.
And, don’t miss to wear at least 2-3 of them(one over
the other).
*This article or The Confederacy of Spider Societies
will not be liable for any de-arranged mannerism or
coercive course of action on any student’s part. As
a word of caution, lunch and dinner prescribed here
may cause testosterone levels to rise beyond the realm
of damage control, please think twice and inform neighbors
having young daughters, before hand.
Best of luck & happy practicing
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